I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
