I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
