fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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