How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
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Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
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you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
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