My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
