i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
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