I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
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