She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
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