Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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