Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Randomize
