Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
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