Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
