I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Randomize
