i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
