It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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