Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
