high people should be assigned attendants
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
Randomize
