Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
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