so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
