Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
