So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.