It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Randomize
