I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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