You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize
