The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
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I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize