I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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