The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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