Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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