I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Randomize
