so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Of course I have a pirate flag
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Randomize
