I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Still dying that you shit outside
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
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