Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
