so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
