I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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