Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
