she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Randomize
