You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
