i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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