girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
