the condom got lost in my hair
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
nutella sex= disaster
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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