He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
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