theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
