yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
