why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Randomize
