Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Randomize
