I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
i came on her dog
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
