So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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