Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
