Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I got her a Nickelback box set.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
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