There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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