Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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