well you can't waste a boner
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I'm sobbing to NWA
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Randomize
