I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This beer is not sobering me up at all
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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