Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Randomize
