i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
