So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize