The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
She's the barista slut.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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