His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Randomize
