How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
