So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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